Formal complaint

To Whom it May Concern,

I write to inform you that the standard of service at your establishment is without doubt the worst I have ever experienced in my five and a half months of existence – by quite some margin.

The waiter you assigned me is a lazy oaf who took a full hour from the time I placed my initial order to the time he finally got off his considerable chuff and deigned to open the fridge door. Further, his attitude is quite offensive. “Stop your whinging” is not an acceptable response to a perfectly legitimate directive from a paying customer for him to “get a jolly wriggle on!”

I expect heads to roll.

Yours severely miffed,